


Dead Star

by diet_affection



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Blood and Injury, But some graphic descriptions, Comforting Lance, Confessions, Dark Past, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Keith (Voltron), Hidden Feelings, Hugs, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Implied/Referenced Attempted Suicide, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Kissing, Lance (Voltron) is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, New Relationship, Scars, Stargazing, Suicide Attempt, They confessed earlier that day, bad memories, it's in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-04-25 20:22:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14386404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diet_affection/pseuds/diet_affection
Summary: “It’s not a big deal, it’s just -  well, I guess itisa big deal. It’s just easier to hide. Not having to talk about it all the time, answer questions – so I just hide them with the gloves.”Taking a last, calming breath, he held his hands out for Lance to see. He didn’t dare look at the other, afraid of what expression he might make, but he heard Lance’s sharp inhale.“It’s not pretty, I know.”After some seconds of silence, Lance answered softly.“It’s not.”//// Trigger warning for self harm/attempted suicide (in the past)





	Dead Star

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to XIX by Slipknot while thinking of Keith, and I got this idea.

 

 

_Look past my broken windows –_

_reflecting my shattered state_

_Look past my crooked walls –_

_nailed together in a hurry_

_Look past my missing insulation –_

_each gust of wind piercing through_

_Look in the living room; the chamber of my heart –_

_is the fire still burning_

_inside?_

\---------------------

 

 

“But I’m serious, Keith, If I had gotten my hands on a full-size poster of you, I totally would have hung it on my bedroom wall. Yeah, I was _that_ obsessed.”

Keith barked a laugh and stumbled after him though the dimly lit, deserted garden.

“You’re joking.”

“Oh my God, you have no idea, do you? I was literally going crazy over you. I still am.”

Lance was keeping most of his attention on not stumbling over any of the fluorescent-patterned alien plants, clumsy and well, tipsy as he was, but he still caught the sudden flush that spread across the other’s face.

“I always knew you weren’t sane,” Keith joked.

“Yeah? Who was the one who thought it a good idea to confess while under heavy enemy fire?”

“That wasn’t … planned, okay? Besides, it was romantic.”

Smiling to himself, Lance had to agree.

The day had started off pretty bad, the blaring castle alarms waking him up well before sunrise to announce an emergency call from a nearby planet. Galra attack, Voltron was needed; same procedure as always.

They had just finished flushing out enemies from the attacked rebel base when half of the building had gone up in smoke. Lance had taken a hit to the head from a piece of wrecked metal that went flying in the explosion. It honestly wasn’t that bad of an injury, just a gash on his forehead, disappearing into his hairline – but it looked horrible, he had no doubt. Head injuries tended to bleed a lot. He had felt the warm liquid running down his face, spilling down his chin – Keith had looked at him like he was dying. They had hidden behind a piece of wreckage that had at one point been a door of some sort, ducking beneath the twisted metal as beams of white-hot laser rained down on them from the last Galra hiding outside. Sparks were flying around them, their improvised barricade shaking and threatening to fall apart.

Lance had kept cracking jokes, trying to keep that horror out of Keith’s eyes, failing a little every time he had to stop before the punchlines to spit blood out of his mouth.  And at some point Keith had said, _oh god, shut up,_ and kissed him.

It hadn’t been a shock in the broader sense. Their old bickering had evolved into teasing, and later into unashamed flirting; the frisky banter and dirty jokes something the other paladins had grown used to long ago. They'd never had any proper confessions, however, always keeping the flirting and lingering touches on the playful side. Both seemed to be waiting for the right moment to break the tension.

But Lance hadn’t expected that moment to be in enemy territory with his mouth full of blood.

 

“I guess I can give you that,” Lance said, “It _was_ romantic. End of the world, no regrets, that kinda thing. But maybe no blood next time.”

“Agreed.”

Keith smiled tightly, still seeming uncomfortable joking about him getting hurt. Lance could understand – had it been anyone but him, he would never had made light of the situation.

Pushing the last branches aside, they stepped out into the open. The view, finally unbroken by trees and civilization, was breathtaking in the simplest way. Behind the grassy area they were standing on, stretched a watery area filled with shallow, square pools. They reminded him of rice fields, although the plants growing there were long-stemmed and silvery, and definitely not rice. The water reflected the pink and purple hues of the dusk sky, and the swirl of clouds that hid much of the sky in a misty veil. It was obvious that people lived here, worked here, going by the discarded baskets and well-trodden paths. It was beautiful; not like a postcard, polished and unreachable, but lovely nonetheless. The beauty was that of a home.

Keith stared out to the horizon and wished he one day would find a place like this to settle down in.

He sat down in the dewy grass, wanting to stay here for a while. They hadn’t really been heading anywhere, anyway. Lance sat down beside him, taking a sip of his drink and coughing.

“Oh, Jesus, this is some strong stuff.”

His voice was hushed, as in respect for the atmospheric view.

“Is it good?”

“Tastes like grapefruit juice and vodka, mixed two to one. Brings back memories of bad parties, heartbreak and homework.”

Smiling wryly, Keith leant into him and reached for the cocktail glass.

“Let me taste. I like grapefruit.”

“You didn’t want another drink!”

“Well, I do now.”

Lance lifted the glass out of his reach, pouting.

“This is _mine_ –“

“You don’t like it!”

“But I still want it!”

They grappled for the drink, all giggles and sharp elbows. Lance’s arms were annoyingly long, and he was – as much as he hated to admit it – quicker in his movements. Keith decided to play dirty and poked his fingers into the other’s side, making him release the glass with a howl of half laughter, half pain. The glass fell clumsily into Keith’s hand, spilling most of its contents on his hands.

“Ow! What the fuck are you doing, Keith,” Lance wheezed, grabbing his side.

“I tickled you.”

“Tickle! You call that a gentle tickle? That was a _stab_ – oh, did it spill?”

As always, Lance’s mood changed as quickly as the ocean tides, and he was all worry and apologies.

“Let me help you… “

Lance attempted to dry off his hands with his own, but his gloves were completely soaked, the sugary drink making the fabric cling to his skin. Lance was opening the Velcro straps and sliding his fingers underneath the sticky leather, when it suddenly hit Keith –

He jerked his hands away a bit too roughly, feeling his heart beating rapidly, filling his veins with adrenaline and the familiar rush of wanting to run away.

Lance, of course, apologized, sweet idiot as he was.

“Oh – sorry, fuck, I – I know you don’t like to be casually touched like that.”

Keith shook his head, not able to look at him as he clenched his fists, feeling the soggy leather beneath his fingers. He felt stupid for jumping. But at the same time, if he hadn’t – Lance would have seen.

“It’s not that,” he settled for mumbling.

Lance looked questioningly at him, but didn’t say anything. Perceptive as he was, he had probably sensed that Keith would tell him only if he wanted.

Did he want to?

The default answer was no. Of course he didn’t want anyone to see, to _know_ – how fucked up he was. He didn’t want the pity, the shame, or the confusion.

But Lance had changed a lot of his defaults.

 

A year ago, he would never have been able to keep up with the playful bicker that the paladins constantly threw back and forth.

A year ago, he would never have confessed his innermost feelings in the middle of a battle.

A year ago, he would never have agreed to get drunk and dance in public, like he and Lance had just done for hours, laughing and stealing kisses in between songs.

So maybe it was okay?

 

Still hesitating, Keith looked down at his hands.

 “It’ll totally ruin the mood”, he muttered.

“That doesn’t matter.”

Lance’s voice was so solid, so assuring. It brought him stability, calming the emotional storm he was caught in.

“Alright.”

Nodding slowly, Keith pulled the wet gloves from his hands, the feeling of cool air against his bare hands unfamiliar, all the while mumbling and trying to explain; to send a warning.

“It’s not a big deal, it’s just -  well, I guess it is a big deal. It’s just easier to hide. Not having to talk about it all the time, answer questions – so I just hide them with the gloves.”

Taking a last, calming breath, he held his hands out for Lance to see. He didn’t dare look at the other, afraid of what expression he might make, but he heard Lance’s sharp inhale.

“It’s not pretty, I know.”

After some seconds of silence, Lance answered softly.

“It’s not.”

Daring a glance, Keith saw that Lance was biting his lip, looking pained and sad, but understanding. There was no outrage in his eyes, and Keith strangely found that very reassuring. He hated having to argue against disbelieving words, when it felt like his scars were so unacceptable they couldn’t even be properly acknowledged. But they were real. It had happened.

 “Can I -?”

Keith nodded, and Lance reached out and carefully took his hands in his, holding them up to look closer. He begun stroking his thumbs gently over the two lumpy scars, feeling the bumps and ridges.

“When?”

Swallowing heavily, Keith willed his throat to work.

“Few months after I dropped out. Bad time.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Lance had lowered his hands, but still kept them between his own, warmer ones.

“It’s really not a fun story.”

“That’s okay. But it’s up to you.”

Keith bit the inside of his cheek, considering. He did feel like talking. There was an itch deep in his throat, a burn of words he needed to say. But it was frightening. He knew they would scald and scorch on the way up, hurting in the same way it had hurt back then. It would awaken ancient enemies and reopen old wounds.

 Maybe the fresh surge of blood would mean they could finally begin to heal properly.

 

Nodding again, he slipped his hands out of Lance’s. He needed some distance to do this. Pouring the remains of the cocktail down his throat, he let the words spill, chaotic and pummeling down like heavy raindrops in a storm.

“It was a late night; I had been drinking, and my mind kept going in these circles, like some maze where no matter which turn I took I was led to the same place. And I knew where it was going, it wasn’t like this was anything new for me to think about – but before there was always something stopping me. Finishing school. Not breaking Shiro’s heart. Stuff like that. And now there was nothing. I felt like it was inevitable, this was where I’d been headed all my life. To this – _end._ So I just did it.

It was a fucking mess. I was on the floor, leaning against a wall. I was so fucked up that I tried to do it with some discarded lids of canned food, instead of my knife, which was literally five feet away on the table.”

Keith shuddered at the memory. He could almost feel the metallic taste in his mouth, heavy against his tongue like during the kiss earlier today. But back then there had been no warm mouth against his. Voice shaking slightly, he continued.

“Doing the first one was easy enough, clean cut, no hesitation – but then blood was everywhere, and my hands were slipping, and it fucking _hurt_ – so I kept messing up. By the time I was done I had almost passed out. So I curled up on the floor, shaking and just … dying, I guess.

Then it just hit me. If I died here, nothing would happen. Or change. No one would even _find_ me; for weeks or maybe even months. No one would fucking _care._ It would just lead to more nothingness. And it just felt too sad; disappearing from the world like that. You know, like a star going out. No one knowing before it’s long gone.

So I managed to crawl over to the phone and call 911. They made it in time, barely. I still remember the expressions the doctors had when they saw me. Must have been a pathetic sight. So obvious what I had done.”

He pulled his legs against himself, tightening his arms around them. The feeling of being small and discarded was creeping up his spine, and he had to forcefully shove it back down.

“I was released some days later. My wrists bandaged. The wounds stitched up. I went back to the shack. And I don’t know what I expected, but –“

His breath hitched. For a long time he couldn’t speak, his jaw locked and his throat tight. Only the slow rub of Lance’s hand against his shoulder made him able to unfreeze.

“It hadn’t changed. Neither had I,” he finished weakly.

“But someone had to – they had to do something, right? The doctors? Get you help, a psychologist, or something like that? They didn’t just let you _leave_ like that?”

Lance’s voice held a quiet anger. He shrugged.

“They gave me an appointment for removing the stitches. Apart from that – a few offers. I declined. Didn’t feel like talking about it. I kind of hoped they would push me, _force_ me to become better somehow. But yeah. They didn’t. So I just went back.”

Laughing shakily, he remembered something.

“They hadn’t even cleaned up. Had to scrub my own blood out of the floorboards.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“It is, isn’t it?”

“I wish I’d –”

“Don’t think like that. You know it’s pointless.”

“I know,” Lance breathed. “But for what it’s worth, I am sorry. That you went through all that. I’m really fucking sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Keith bit his lip.

“You don’t seem surprised.”

“I’m more – horrified, you know? But not in the shocked way, just … that feel of terror. I feel so scared for you. Even though I know it’s a long time ago. I just wish I could go back in time and change it.”

“…Yeah. But I’m glad you weren’t there to see it.”

“It would have been worth it. If I could’ve saved you.”

“But I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Lance didn’t respond, but simply tucked him tightly into an embrace, hiding his shaky breath in his hair.

 

They fell into silence, the air thick with ghosts around him. It was suffocating for a few minutes, feeling them so present and almost physical against his skin; tight dark coils of memories – and then they began to unravel. Fade into the evening mist. He felt a mass lifted from his shoulders, his wrists no longer bound to heavy rocks. He even allowed himself a thin smile as he leant into Lance, who was quick to slip an arm around his shoulder to support him.

The color of the sky above them was slowly draining away, leaving the clouds dark and stormy, a few pinpricks of lights barely visible. Lance suddenly looked down at him, eyes wide as if he just got the best thought.

“You know, a star dying will change entire constellations. “

Keith felt his lips curl up at that.

“That’s… surprisingly poetic.”

Lance took his smile as a cue to lighten the atmosphere, which Keith was grateful for.

“Wouldn’t want Cassiopeia losing her leg, now would we? Or Orion without his belt buckle? How would he even keep his pants up?”

“Oh my god, you’re silly,” Keith chuckled, ducking his head into the other’s embrace.

From in between Lance’s arms, enveloped in the comforting warmth and smell of his boyfriend, he saw a butterfly land on a nearby flower. They both stilled as they watched the butterfly flap its patterned, partly transparent wings a few times. It looked fragile, like glass about to break, but beautiful. Lance broke the silence as the butterfly threw itself into the air, with no fear of shattering.

 “I’m just … so happy you’re here.”

Hugging him tighter, Keith mumbled into the fabric of his jacket.

“Being the light of your life?”

“If you want to be.”

“Maybe. Maybe I do.”

Then, a second later:

“I’ll be the belt buckle to your Orion.”

He knew exactly what obnoxious grin was spreading on Lance’s face that moment, and he felt the beginnings on laughter vibrate through his chest even before he had cracked the inevitable joke.

“Believe me, Keith, you won’t be the thing keeping my pants – Ouch! You stabbed my rib again!”

Wheezing, Lance pulled out of the embrace to look down at him.

“I guess that was deserved. Okay, so …No belt buckle. You’ll be more like … the north star.”

“Like your compass? Step up your metaphors, Romeo.”

Threading his fingers into his hair, Lance peered into his eyes with an endless fondness.

“You’ll be the goal that motivates me to keep going.”

“Better.”

“You’ll keep me from getting lost.”

Keith could feel his face getting warmer.

“… All right.”

“The one thing that won’t change. Cause I love you.”

His heart skipped a beat in the most pleasant way, sending a pulse of joy through his body.

“Oh.”

“That too much? Did I … set off a supernova in your heart?”

There it was again, that obnoxious grin. Keith tried to scowl, tugging at his jacket.

“Stop with the star metaphors, and just kiss me already.”

“Oh, I’ll make you starstru - “

The rest of his words were muffled as Keith crashed his lips into his, pushing him back into the grass. For a while it was unclear if they were making out or playfighting, as they rolled around in the dew and pulled at each other, both trying to stay on top as they kissed. They ended up in a heap, grass in their hair and clothes damp, as they melted into each other’s touch. Simply lying there, sharing warmth and comfortable silence.

Keith usually hated to cuddle. But all his defaults had changed, and he was incredibly grateful for that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr:  
> [keith-in-shibari](https://keith-in-shibari.tumblr.com/) (nsfw art, klance art, fic updates and more)


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